Thursday, March 31, 2005 @ 12:30 pm
I'm still a child after all....

Yesterday had biochem test n i dun haf much confidence tat i'll do well in it. There's jus too many things to remember n it seems like once i remember something, i forget abt something else. Ok it's a poor excuse but when i receive the paper my mind is blank. I haf no idea how to start. The questions were ok, jus write down the equations n most probably will get it rite. But i could only remember bits & pieces of information. I haf no idea how much of stuff i write r facts. I could only pray tat i manage to pass. The comin exams i also dun haf much faith in it. Especially basic pathology. All the notes tat i had written r in point-form so i dun tink i can write much in the essay questions. I guess tis semester's results will be worse tat the previous. My parents will sure be disappionted bah.

I wasn't feeling gd yesterday n i tink abt a lot of things. Though i'm 19, i still act like a child after all. There was a time when i was young abt 5 0r 6, i start to realise the power of tears. I never like to cry but sometimes it can't be control. I can't remember the exact incident but i was in kindergarden n some of the kids were like saying i did something wrong n wanted me to apologise or something. I of course dun tink i did anything wrong n ignore them. Then i tink the kids were like goin to tell the teacher or something then i get kind of scared. Tat time i didn't wan to get into trouble even if i tink i didn't do anything wrong. To me, being scolded by teacher is humilating. We start to haf lessons n were playing games or wat. I remember i fell down and it didn't hurt much but i cried. I guess i did tat was bcos kids who cry get the most attention n won't get blame 4 anything. When i first started sch, i didn't cry but to get out of trouble i cried. The teacher was concerned abt me n the kids didn't tell the teacher anything. Looking back, i hate wat i did. I was jus being scheming, using the sympathy of the teacher. I didn't have the courage to face the teacher n the kids jus 4 the fear of punishment and being accused of doin something wrong. I was such a wimp n i tink i still am. The other time i cried was abt a few years ago. Tis time i cried bcos i was feeling sorry 4 myself. There were a grp of us who were persuading a person to stay. The person didn't like the place n wanted to leave. I was feeling really sad bcos if tat person leave i'll be alone. N 4 tat i cried. I wasn't crying bcos the person was leaving n i'm worried abt tat person. I am selfish tat i tink abt myself first before others. I'm sorry to tat person who wanted to leave but still stayed 4 a little while. Only a child will cry when feeling sorry for himself. Jus like they wanted candy but could not haf it n they start crying. Tinking abt the past makes me wonder wat's my point of existence. I can't do much of anything, even my studies now isn't gd enuff to get me anywhere. 19 years of my life n wat haf i accomplish? Study hard any other ppl also can do tat. To protect my loved ones? It seems like i was the one who need protection. Even when i sometimes try to break free, my parents especially my mum would worry n fuss over me jus bcos i'm the baby of the family. My friends surely dun need me to protect, when my own life is a mess n they're much stronger than me(i dun mean physically). Wat's my place in tis world? Definitely is not where i am right now.

I wish i haf something to protect.